Why Letting Your Date Pay the Bill Is Ripping You Off
My friend says she likes when guys pay in dates. She doesn’t know she’s being ripped off.
From where I come from, it is common for men to pay the bill on a date. It is also common for women to enjoy the invitation — Sometimes even demand it.
The cultural arrangement is that men paying symbolizes the gentleman’s decency and the lady’s worth.
“A man worthy of you pays the bill” is how we raise girls.
And
“A macho always pays” is the way we raise boys.
More than once, I have heard friends saying that such a naive — or lovely — act can’t be that harmful. These are friends who firmly believe in- and advocate for- gender equality. However, they are usually more committed to fighting the ‘big’ battles — like the gender pay gap — and less to defying the ‘small’ acts— like who pays the bill.
It is not true women don’t pay when a man ‘invites’ them. Even if men pay for the dinner that night, don’t get fooled: Women pay big time the price of that plate.
I’m talking about ladies paying back the delicacy of that gentleman with actual money. Let’s leave alone women paying back because they are expected to do or behave in specific ways during or after the date. I have heard that too, but if a woman is coarse to kiss or sleep with someone to pay back the favour… I’m not discussing that today.
(female) friends, you are being ripped off because that meal is not for free. And (male) friends, you are ripping your date off because one way or another, they cash it back.
I don’t know you, but I love when someone invites me to dinner. My mom, my friend or my partner saying,
—let’s go, let’s have dinner; it’s on me. — it is perhaps one of my favourite days of the year.
It is nice to be treated, especially with love, no? So, what is the big deal? Who doesn’t like being invited?
I like it too!
…But what I don’t like is being cheated.
Your friend invites you to dinner. You are pleased, and you accept. But after a lovely night together, when you are on your way back home, they reach into your bag and grab some bills.
You realized they took the dinner’s value, even more. You arrive home disappointed and angry because you were supposed to be invited, but you ended up with less money than what you had.
You were tricked!
That's almost exactly what happens to women when they let men pay for dates.
Well, not almost. The men-paying-for-dates swindle is way more subtle.
In reality, women don’t pay back the money on the same night. But their act contributes to the accumulation of behaviours that result in the economic inequality of the sexes.
And that’s very costly for women.
Micromachismos, like men having to pay for women’s meals, are the pillars of our patriarchal society. They seem harmless, but they are not. They seem like a naive act of love, but they are arguably the opposite.
Women pay for the dinner when men get hired over them, even when they have similar or better qualifications. They pay it every month when they receive lower salaries for the same job. They pay it when they don’t get promoted because their bosses listen more to the ideas of their male colleagues.
It is a lifetime subscription to an unfair job market…
If you do the math, only by what is lost in salaries, that dinner ends up being very, very expensive.
I’m no gentleman when I know that my offer to pay, and the accumulation of that behaviour, will pay me back in the future. That’s not being a gentleman. That’s been a swindler!
Perhaps, letting yourself invite is harmless when it is not a systematic behaviour. But this is a behaviour that all the society follows. Systematic behaviours create roles.
In this case, most power is grabbed by the one who pays. This cultural arrangement is problematic for gender equality as it places women in a submissive role, which is very costly when they want to be taken seriously.
We (men) could think again next time we offer to pay for that date out. It doesn’t matter how good intentions we may have.
We (women) could also reconsider when accepting that invitation. They may be fooling us. Later, they may reach into our bags, take some bills, and rip us off.
We don’t have all the answers and certainly not in a complex issue like this one. If this post made you think again and reflect on your beliefs, we consider it a mission accomplished. However, our policy is to argue as if we were 100% right, but listen as if we were 100% wrong. So, it would be nice to hear what you think. Don’t hesitate to leave your thoughts in a comment or a direct message!
